


you are

by InfiniteWoonique



Category: GOT7
Genre: Angst, Anxiety, Anxiety Attacks, Anxiety Disorder, Bipolar Disorder, Depression, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Fluff, Hurt/Comfort, I mean its all the same symptoms, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Insomnia, Kim Yugyeom is a sweetheart, Mental Health Issues, Panic Attacks, Platonic Cuddling, Platonic Relationships, Self Confidence Issues, Triggers
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-04-06
Updated: 2019-04-06
Packaged: 2020-01-05 11:24:09
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,479
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18365027
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/InfiniteWoonique/pseuds/InfiniteWoonique
Summary: Jaebum is having a hard time coping with the recent changes in his mood and that usually leads to lashing out. He needs help, but how can the leader, the strongest in the group, ask for help from the boys he was supposed to set an example for?title inspired by GOT7's You Are





	you are

**Author's Note:**

> I have bipolar disorder and this is typically what it was like when I was unmedicated and it's tough. Mental health is tricky and it should be dealt with, not ignored

Jaebum couldn’t think for himself. He had to think of all of his members first. He had to make sure that they were all happy and weren’t fighting with each other. He had to make sure no one was doubting their abilities and belittling themselves. He had to make sure every member was in tip-top shape so they could be the hilarious group that the world knew as GOT7. He had to encourage everyone and be the one they needed to talk to when they were feeling sad. He was that person they relied on, but as the leader, the one who was the strongest, he had no one. 

The stress of being that person, that leader, was starting to get to him and it was really affecting his work. He would mess up at dance practice, miss footwork and be called out by their choreographer. On stage, he was butchering his high notes and falling behind on the beat. When it was his turn to give the acceptance speeches for their ‘You Are’ wins, the first song he made as a title track, he stuttered and was often left blank because honestly, he didn’t feel grateful.

Of course, he felt gratitude towards the wins for GOT7, but he wasn’t feeling the excitement of winning anymore. He felt indifference and dread because he was the one who would have to say the first acceptance speech, followed by some of his members. When it came to him holding the mic, he stood there looking awkward and stiff. He had watched the recordings and he hated the way he looked on stage. His speech was generic and sloppy, making him seem distracted. He was proud of his song, yes, but it was a song he had written months ago when he felt different from how he does now. Happier and more in control of his life. 

Honestly, Jaebum felt useless. He was starting to lose confidence in the way he looked and the way he looked on stage. He felt as though he was the worst performer, looking slow and sluggish. The way the other members performed was perfect and they were having fun, but Jaebum no longer found the fun in performing and being on stage. He no longer found the fun in anything.

The constant pressure of appearing perfect had gotten to him a long time ago. Jaebum had been criticized for his style choice at the airport. What was supposed to be a comfortable ride for him turned into a ride full of regret as he read the tweets directed towards him on how awful he looked. Fans often pointed things out like this, how he dressed, how his skin looked that day, how his makeup and hair was styled. There was always someone who had something negative to say about him, and it didn’t feel good to read those comments. But in the end, he would rather have those comments directed towards him rather than his members. 

Stress was a wedge between Jaebum and his members. He felt as though he had no one to talk to about the things that were eating at him from the inside out. He wanted the members to not stress, and if they were stressing over their leader’s stress, who was that helping? It was better to keep it all to himself rather then worry the others. 

This ultimately led to Jaebum’s lack of sleep. As an idol, he only got four hours maximum of sleep, but now he was usually running on two hours, even when he had days when there were no schedules, he couldn’t get the sleep he needed and spent most of the night staring at the ceiling and listening to Jackson snore in the bed across the room. Jaebum’s head was full of many useless thoughts and fears, worries he has for the other members. It’s hard when someone relies on you so much to help them out. The youngest two of the group debuted at a young age and weren’t prepared by their parents on what to expect as an adult. Jaebum had to take that role and teach them the ropes of things. He had taken on the role as their father figure in their career. 

Life was becoming too much for Jaebum, and all he could do as a recognized K-Pop idol and the leader was grin and bear it. It would be much easier if he were to just sleep and not wake up. That seemed ideal for him, and it had seemed ideal for about two weeks now, maybe longer. 

Today was a rare day when they didn’t have schedules. They had vocal lessons this morning, but that was over by noon and then they were sent home to rest and do as they liked. Jaebum was laying in his bed on his back, staring at the ceiling like he had for hours last night. He had memorized every stain and indentation in the ceiling and had become quite familiar with it. 

Jaebum missed his family terribly. He missed his mother. Jaebum’s mum was someone he could talk to about anything and she would make it better. She was wise and comforting, and Jaebum needed to talk to her. He slid his phone out of his hoodie pocket and quickly tapped the FaceTime icon and called his mother. The profile picture attached to her contact information hurt his heart instead of warmed it, which was unexpected. He hoped it was because he just needed to talk to her about what was bothering him and not because he didn’t really want to talk to her. He was starting to feel that burden of worrying his mother now. 

Jaebum waited patiently as his phone tried to connect to his mother’s. He stared back at his face in his screen and took in every little detail. His face had grown narrower, cheeks hollowing out and cheekbones becoming more prominent. A hand went up to feel along the bone structure and he frowned, not liking the image. He was losing weight through lack of care and nutrition. He often skipped meals due to stress and never ate in-between meals when he had them with the other members. 

His mother wasn’t picking up and his heart was starting to hurt worse than it had before. It was quickly replaced with irritation as the loud chymes of Jinyoung’s tenor voice echoed through the dorm space and reached back to him. Either Mark or Jackson would usually be the first responders to whatever the pair were fighting about, but the Chinese and Taiwanese American men were at the company building tending to a project they were trying to work on. Neither Youngjae nor BamBam dares to interrupt the two when they’re at it, leaving Jaebum to deal with the damage control. 

Jaebum sighed and gave up on his call towards his mother, she wasn’t answering anyway. He rolled off the bed, throwing his phone to the side and pushing the door open to reveal Yugyeom and Jinyoung fighting, faces close to each other as they shouted. You’d think that with Jinyoung being three years older he would be the bigger person and let Yugyeom have his way, but he was stubborn, just as stubborn as Yugyeom was. Their rivalry came from nowhere and while in public it was cute and highlighted by fans, in private, they were at each other’s throats when things weren’t going with of their ways. 

Jaebum gazed over towards BamBam and Youngjae sitting on the living room couch and watching the fight. Youngjae was watching with wide eyes as his members yelled and BamBam was looking towards Jaebum for help, wanting the fight to stop.

“What the hell are you two going on about now?!” Jaebum yelled, stepping in between the two so they were separated. Their voices stopped yet they were still glaring at each other past Jaebum’s shoulders, “Someone explain to me what you two are bickering about.”

Yugyeom and Jinyoung said nothing and kept staring, brows furrowed and scowls marking their features unattractively. Neither boys made a move to speak up, so it was Youngjae who answered the leader, “We were trying to pick something to watch and…” he trailed off, not wanting the two to explode into another fight.

“Hyung picked what we watched last night and he wants to watch something boring. I want to watch a movie, but he just wants to watch music shows. We watch music shows all the time!” Yugyeom directed at Jinyoung, sticking his head past Jaebum’s shoulder to direct his voice at the older. 

“That’s not what I said! I said I wanted to watch something other than a movie we have watched a billion times already!” The brunette yelled back at the younger boy, reaching over Jaebum’s shoulder to try and flick Yugyeom in the forehead. Yugyeom retaliated by smacking Jinyoung’s hand away.

The two began trying to hit each other over Jaebum and the oldest in the dorm was trying to hold the two back. Jaebum would typically have more patience than this, but this was already the second fight of the day. Earlier they had fought over who was going to eat the last few strawberries left in the container in the fridge for breakfast and that was a nightmare. Jaebum was getting sick of all the fights that his members were causing and he honestly wanted to scream at the pair. 

He didn’t actually mean to, but he ended up screaming at the two. A form of stress in all evidence given. 

“Just stop! I’m sick of all your shit and you guys need to grow up and get along! Jesus Christ, what are you? Five? We live together and we are brothers yet you stir drama at the smallest things and I’m sick of being the one who has to end it every single time!” Jaebum couldn’t control it, but his hands were then shoving into Jinyoung and Yugyeom’s shoulder, pushing them away. They were caught off guard, hell, even Jaebum was. The two stumbled backward, Jinyoung even falling to the ground with his force. 

Jaebum looked down between Yugyeom with his back pressed to the couch and Jinyoung on the floor, switching from side to side to glare at both. His glare softened though as he noticed the looks of shock and even fear in their eyes at his actions. The action almost hadn’t processed and he acted upon anger, an emotion he was feeling a lot lately. 

“Hyung?” Youngjae questioned, not even sure if what he just saw was real. Jaebum wasn’t a physical person, barely even showed affection. It was truly shocking and very questionable. 

Jaebum felt the anxiety rise up his throat, blocking any words from coming out. He wanted to apologize immediately, but he felt as though he couldn’t possibly do that. Instead of saying anything, Jaebum just turned on his heel and took large strides to his room, slamming the door behind him. Jaebum swore he could feel the walls shake with the slam of the door, but he didn’t care. Jaebum flopped onto his bed, burying his face into his pillow. It hurt his nose, the way he landed, but he felt as though he deserved it. He had exploded in front of his younger members when he was supposed to keep a level head. He had done things he never should do, and it was so out of character that it even scared him. Maybe this was how Jaebum truly was, instead of the perfect leader he was portrayed as. 

“Fuck,” Jaebum shouted into his pillow, muffling the sound so the others wouldn’t hear. Jaebum wanted to feel pain, he wanted someone to yell at him and hurt him the way he hurt his younger brothers. Jaebum flipped himself and reached down to harshly pinched the flesh of his thigh with his whole hand, gripping with all his strength. His teeth were bared as the sting of the pain traveled to his knee. Jaebum let go and he was left hissing and trying to regain the breath he didn’t know he was holding, “What the fuck is wrong with me?” He asked himself, again, staring at the ceiling. His emotions were everywhere and he was filtering through it all at a terrifying rate. 

This was not at all what he was like, or supposed to be like. Jaebum didn’t remember being like this before. He had been acting as the perfect leader for so long that he forgot what kind of tendencies he had. Keyword: acting. Maybe he had fooled himself for so long that his true nature was finally ripping through.

Jaebum was confused. He was confused as to who he was and who he was supposed to be. He couldn’t even think straight anymore. His emotions were out of wack and they were getting the best of him and he was starting to lose control. Just last night at 3 in the morning, he had felt the tears slide down his cheeks and soak up into his pillow. He doesn’t remember ever stopping, but he had at some point, and here he was, tears sliding down his cheeks and rolling onto his neck. It left an uncomfortable, sticky feeling that he tried to remove by scratching at his skin. Jaebum began breathing heavily and he could feel his heart racing. This was a familiar feeling, a feeling he had felt once before at the beginning of his trainee days. Jaebum was having a panic attack.

Jaebum balled his fists into his hair, tugging at the follicles in hopes that it would distract him from his heavy breathing. The pain felt good but added to all the other shit happening to him, it just added to the overwhelming amount of emotions he felt. Honestly, Jaebum wanted to die.

Jaebum let a sob rip through his lips and his arms were thrown to his sides, pressing into the bed in hopes that he would sink into the mattress. His whole body was clenched and Jaebum let all the tears he had fall and slide down his skin. His head was throbbing now and his nose was running. His body was shaking with each jagged breath he took and it hurt his chest. He felt like he wasn’t getting enough oxygen and like his lungs would burst. The grip he had on his leg earlier was now throbbing, turning a dark blue and purple as the burst capillaries filled in the injured skin. His whole body was in pain. It was in pain because of himself. 

This went on for twenty minutes. Crying and thrashing around on his bed. Jackson wasn’t home to be in the room with Jaebum, he wasn’t there to witness the state Jaebum had fallen into. If Jackson were there, he would try to calm Jaebum down, but he wasn’t that good at doing so anyway. Jackson was mostly happy and was rarely having any troubles. He would come to talk to Jaebum maybe three times a year and when he did, his troubles wouldn’t be serious and they would be because he misses his mother. If Jaebum could guess, Jackson wouldn’t even know the first thing about dealing with someone suffering from a panic attack. 

Jaebum was lost in the world his mind was forcing himself into. Anxiety was a nasty thing and attacked at the worst times, ruthless and uncaring. His mind was lost and his body was out of control. Nothing could bring him out of the episode he was having, but yet, the sound of three little knocks on the bedroom door, echoing through the room brought him out of the funk he was in.

“Come in,” a hoarse croak left his lips, surprising him by the quality of the sound. He furiously wiped at his face, maybe a little too hard. There were for sure marks on his face from his grip and whoever was on the other side fo the door would notice. The no one in the group could see their leader like this and Jaebum almost called him off, telling him not to answer. 

The person on the other side was slow to open the door, slowly pushing it forward. Jaebum could barely see who walked in due to the tears flooding his eyes and the puffy skin blocking out his sight. He gave up and shoved his face into his pillow, making sure whoever entered didn’t see the mess he was, the state he was in. 

The footsteps against the hardwood floor closed in on Jaebum and he soon felt a dip in the bed opposite him. Jaebum didn’t turn to see who it was but he could tell who it was anyway. Living and being with the same six boys 24/7 led him to recognize even the smallest details. Details like the way each boy walked. The light-footed and long strides of the member in his room were those of Yugyeom.

Yugyeom was cuddly and very affectionate and absolutely adored physical contact, very tactile. Jaebum usually shied away from such skinship, but he let this happen. He was weak and needed some comfort he was sure Yugyeom would dish out.

He was accurate as the youngest boy in the group wrapped his arm around Jaebum, letting his hand hold onto Jaebum’s wrist since the leader’s hand was under his cheek. Yugyeom rested his chin on Jaebum’s shoulder and looked down at the older, face still hidden in his pillow. Yugyeom stayed quiet, not wanting to alarm Jaebum if he was still shedding tears. Jaebum enjoyed the comfort he was receiving, but felt undeserving. The warmth Yugyeom provided made him feel better, but not completely. 

“Hyung,” Yugyeom softy started, voice low and quiet, “Tell me what’s wrong. Please.”

Jaebum’s heart broke upon hearing that because that’s what he was supposed to say to Yugyeom. That was only a question he could ask, not be asked. In any ordinary situation, Jaebum would have turned and said he was perfectly fine, but he soon found himself letting another cry leave his lips. He was again shaking against Yugyeom’s chest that was pressed against Jaebum’s back, “I want to die,” he stated, meaning it a scary amount. 

Jaebum could feel Yugyeom stiffen against him, but he continued to try and comfort the elder male as much as he could. He hugged on tighter, hoping that Jaebum would calm down, melting against his body. 

“You can’t, you know why?” Yugyeom asked, tightening his hold on Jaebum’s wrist, “Because I love you too much, and I won’t be able to live if Hyung dies.”

Jaebum’s sobs intensified at the severity of the comment and he felt like a terrible person. He had led his dongsaeng to fear for him, and he felt like the worst person ever.

“I love you, Jaebum hyung,” Yugyeom whispered, lowering his face until it was hidden behind Jaebum’s back instead of perched on his shoulder, “It’s okay to be sad sometimes, just know that we’re always here for you in the end. You’re never alone.”

“Love you, too,” Jaebum mumbled, choosing to not address the later comments in favor of continuing to sob and cry as his heart ached for change. He had fooled himself this far to think that he didn’t need help and all of this was his fault, but now he saw that he needed help. He was no exception, everyone needs help at some point. 

“You always have all of us to talk to, but since I’m here, you better come to me with any problems you have first since I was the one who knocked it out of you,” he joked with a light laugh, hoping he was helping lighten the mood, “We’re kind of stuck together. There’s no hiding it from us, we’ve all noticed that you’re not doing so hot,” there was a pause as Jaebum started to cry again, guilt seeping into his heart. Yugyeom hummed in an attempt at comfort, “Wanna talk about it?”

“Later,” Jaebum choked out, turning around in Yugyeom’s arms to hide his face in the younger’s chest, letting the comfort set in and relax him completely. They stayed silent after that, reveling in each other’s presence to keep Jaebum calm and feel the love the maknae has for his hyung, “Thank you.”

“My pleasure. You are everything to me, hyung. I’m always here to talk.”

“You are,” Jaebum affirmed with a nod, sniffling to rid his nose of the snot that was threatening to spill. This was his brother, the rest were his brothers. They were all there for him and he had to remember that. He wasn’t alone in this, he knew that now. Things were hard now, but they would get better. 

**Author's Note:**

> Mental health is seriously so important and it needs to be dealt with, not ignored. If you think you have a mental illness, get help. I incorporated a lot of my symptoms and habits into this fic and it means so much that people educate themselves on proper care and how to deal with others who have mental illness. So many people have it, but that doesn't make it less of an issue. 
> 
> Anyways, thank you for reading <3


End file.
